Listen to a friend talking about the new boyfriend she’s fallen in love with and you’ll more than likely hear that he’s smart, clever, funny, exciting, good-looking, fascinating, and altogether wonderful. Fast forward to when she’s had an upsetting break up with him somewhere down the line, and you’ll get a very different picture drawn of him – she’ll probably say he’s mean, selfish, nasty, ungenerous and ugly to boot.
It’s funny how we can draw a picture in our mind of
someone, and completely alter the colour, shade and line of that drawing within
a split second, based on our emotions. The way we interpret something about
someone can be either negative or positive, but in essence, it’s simply our
interpretation of the facts.
A common theme in romance novels is to create a heroine who
initially perceives the hero of the novel as a villain, but by the end of the
book, when she’s got to know him, she usually slots him firmly into the hero
category, as she starts to see all of his good qualities.
Realistically, though, we’re all a mix of good and bad, and
most men have their heroic characteristics (rescuing kittens stranded in trees)
and villainous tendencies (leaving beard stubble in the basin). But there’s a
lesson to be learnt here from romance novels. Essentially in a romantic
relationship, a man wants to be perceived as his girl’s Hero, and a woman wants
to be her man’s Dream Girl. If a woman treats her man as if he’s her Hero, even
when he messes up, she’ll bring out the best in him. And if a man treats a
woman as if she’s his Dream Girl, even when she’s irritating him, he’ll bring
out the best in her.
Often, though, when the rose-tinted glasses we wear early
on in a relationship come off, and we start to see each other’s flaws, the Hero
and Dream Girl treatment we’ve been giving to each other comes to an end.
But knowing how to shift our viewpoint from positive to
negative within a short time span can be a very useful tool in dealing with
conflict within relationships. It’s easy to interpret someone’s behaviour based
on our own negative emotional response to it, but remembering that it’s only
our interpretation of the behaviour can be very liberating.
Of course, repeated bad behaviour from a romantic partner
could signal an abusive relationship, which it’s imperative to leave, but
giving someone the benefit of the doubt and assuming their good will is, I’d
say, vital to long-term happiness in a relationship.
In The Dashing Debutante, I created a feisty
heroine, Alexandra, who gave the hero of the book, the Duke of Stanford, the
benefit of the doubt when she heard something negative about him. I’ve included
the extract here:
“There you are, Miss Grantham,” Lady Barrington said. “I
have been meaning to have a word with you.”
“Good evening, Lady Barrington,” Alexandra said formally.
Lady Barrington acknowledged the greeting, before continuing, “I’m afraid that
I am the bearer of some bad news, Miss Grantham. I feel it to be my duty,
though, as one woman to another, to inform you about it.”
“Bad news, Lady Barrington?”
“Unfortunately, yes, my dear. When Sir Jason informed me of the wager, I was
shocked. Quite shocked!”
Alexandra stiffened at the mention of her bête-noire. “What are you talking
Lady Barrington smiled sympathetically. “Sir Jason has informed me that the
Duke of Stanford’s pursuit of you is merely the result of a wager that he and
Stanford have entered into. A while back Sir Jason challenged the Duke, saying
that you were such a high and mighty Miss that he doubted whether Stanford
could manage to add you to his circle of admirers. So, if you believe his
intentions to be serious, my dear, you are sadly mistaken. I thought it would
be best to let you know this.”
Alexandra regarded the Marchioness with a sceptical look on her face. “I was
under the impression, Lady Barrington, that the Duke of Stanford and Sir Jason
were not on good terms. I therefore find it difficult to believe what you have
Lady Barrington shrugged her thin shoulders. “My dear child, my concern is only
for you! I would not fabricate such a tale, I assure you. However, if you doubt
my words, by all means ask Sir Jason to verify them. You will not like his
answer, but it will be the truth, nonetheless.”
“Better than that, Lady Barrington, I shall challenge his grace with these
accusations,” Alexandra said coolly. “Now if you will excuse me, ma’am, I have
to find my grandmother.” Nodding her head, she made to move away.
Lady Barrington put a restraining hand on Alexandra’s elbow. “Just a moment,
Miss Grantham. I advise you not to question his grace about what I have said.
He will only deny the story.”
Alexandra looked at the other woman for a long moment. “I am surprised that you
say that, your ladyship. I would never have said that the Duke of Stanford was
a dishonest man.”
Lady Barrington shrugged her shoulders again. “One can never be sure with
gentlemen, Miss Grantham. In my experience, men are very rarely honest in their
dealings with women.”
“And yet you expect me to ask Sir Jason to verify your story?” Alexandra said
gently. “As I have said before, Lady Barrington, I may be young, but I am in no
way stupid. Good evening.”